The Big Before

I haven't visited this blog in a long time. It is just now that it is not so painful to visit the "Big Before". Before Nathan lost his job. Before every mortgage payment became a struggle. Before we lost our innocence and the belief that because every day before had seemed prosperous, every day after would be as well.
It still pains me to see that last trip to Disney, the last update before November 8th, 2008 when I was all dressed up for a belated birthday dinner and Nathan came home with the news that the days of plenty were gone and the days of want were upon us. I could not have known then what God had in store for us or that my faith would be tested and rewarded and tested over and over again. I could not have known then the wonderful and terrible ways that God would use this time to shape us into who we are now. I could not have known that the painful "Big Before" would also be before one of the most wonderful times in our life "Before Henry".
We were five months out of work when God decided that it was time for Walker to be a big brother. I remember how terrified I was that we would not be able to provide for the little one who had not asked to be born into our situation, our still tender brokenness. Had we been careless and foolish? I thought of all of the little things I bought in anticipation of Walker's birth when money was not tight and the wolf was not always at the door. We could barely pay the light bill, how would we afford to bring a new life into the world. We learned that if God knocks and you answer, a way will be made. Nathan got a job the summer of 2009 making half of what he made before and while our mortgage payment didn't go down, we never missed a payment. Henry James Floyd came into the world on December 14th, 2009. He knew that there would never be a better time for his arrival than God's time.
It is eight months now since Henry made his debut. He is a healthy, happy baby and all that baby stuff just turned out to be stuff. He has not been stunted by borrowed clothes or toys that have already been loved, he has thrived because he is loved by his mother and father and brother and we are better people than we were before November 8th, 2008.
By Nathan losing his job, we saved our marriage. Our vows were tested for both richer and poorer and they proved much stronger than when we said them on our wedding day. By breaking we have been remade. Through our struggles, we have come together in a way that only God could have foreseen. Nathan is my best friend now. I could not have said that in the "Big Before".
Of course, I realize now that the "Big Before" was an illusion. The only thing that has truly changed is that now I know that tomorrow holds no promises and if we knew what God had planned for the rest of our lives, there would be no room for miracles.
So where are we today? It is still a struggle to pay the light bill but we've yet to be stuck in the dark. We have two beautiful sons and know that we will never get this golden time in their lives back so we have to cherish every moment rather than live in fear about what tomorrow will bring.
I plan to start blogging again as time allows. I want to remember this time for better or worse.
So with much delay, I present Henry James Floyd and we begin "The Amazing After".